Expand or Contract?

Like many other Bostonians, I have found my attention repeatedly drawn to the bombing at the finish line of the Marathon on Monday.  First, I was glued to the news, watching the surreal images replay in front of me, wondering what I could learn about what happened and quickly realizing that even the newscasters knew very little.  Simultaneously, I was on facebook and my phone, making sure those near and dear to me were ok.  In my head several busy thoughts came and went including who would do this and why, how and when will this person be caught, how many people have been hurt and how badly, and how would this change the Marathon.

Wednesday morning, I got on the T for the first time since the bombs went off.  As I made my way downtown, to get a haircut only blocks from the site of the bombings, I noticed what looked like National Guardsmen on the T platforms.  I got off the T at Arlington, because the Copley stop remains closed.  There I walked past 2 more military looking officers, a state police officer and a Boston police officer.  I got above ground only to see more police directing traffic and pedestrians.  I crossed Boylston, walking by at least 20 news vans and lots of lights and cameras to get to Newbury.  Famed for its ritzy shopping, even this street was quiet for a beautiful day, with many stores closed and far fewer people than is typical.  I passed closed side streets, keeping people away from the actual site of the bombings.  I passed a TV cameraman filming two police officers investigating a suspicious bag.  I was jarred by the whole experience as I arrived at the salon for a haircut.  I was or wasn't less safe than I had been 2 days earlier, but the world seemed less safe than it had been.  I questioned my choice to pursue business as usual at this moment.

I had a lot of time to think while I was sitting there at the salon and my mind went back to my morning yoga practice.  The teacher said something that had hit home--our desired state of being is expansion.  I thought of many examples, all of which seemed to prove this true.  I am always looking to learn something new and integrate it into my yoga practice, my teaching practice or my leadership work.  I love learning about new ideas and seeing how they connect with what I already know.  Going somewhere new or meeting someone new energizes me and sheds new light on my default perspectives and attitudes.  Through my coaching work, I see clients who seek expansion in their family lives, their personal relationships, their work, their understanding of themselves.  I could go on and on, but suffice to say that I quickly compiled significant evidence to support this idea--it is human nature to seek expansion, what's bigger, what's next. 

In the wake of the bombings at the Boston Marathon on Monday, I have found myself instinctively wanting to contract.  I have wanted to stay home, to be safe.  I have found my thoughts drawn to those closest to me.  I have wanted them to stay home, to be safe.  I have found myself worrying and getting lost inside scary what-ifs in my brain.  Once downtown, I found myself jarred by the reminders of the bombing.  All these things close my world down, make it smaller.  Fear has made me want to withdraw, to turn in.

So, the question is what to do? As my yoga teacher pointed out, our work is to create the space to expand into.  Without the space, the desire is not enough.  How do we get back to the natural state of things--our desire to expand, our ability to draw energy and joy from expanding--even in the face of something nasty?


I have been touched by the stories I have heard--a woman given a finisher's medal by a stranger or a mom and her two kids cared for at a medical tent while they waited for their husband/dad to make his way to them.  A friend described how she was walking in the rain the day after the Marathon as part of a recovery plan from foot surgery and a car pulled over and the driver asked if she was ok or needed a ride anywhere.  Downtown yesterday, I saw an impromptu memorial at the barricades that block Clarendon street--flowers and signs left to remember the victims, to issue a call for peace, to express solidarity with Boston.  And then there are the many organized events popping up to walk or run the last mile or the last 5 miles or even to share people's best Marathon memories.

How do we get back to expansion even when there is fear?  The answer is to expand anyway, through the fear.  All of these stories are about people reaching out instead of closing down.  Heck, even running a Marathon is a great example of expansion!  These stories all demonstrate the best of human nature, the best of making space, the best of being bigger instead of smaller.

What I refuse to let these bombings take from me is the belief that human beings are basically good.  I refuse to let these bombings separate me from my community with a fear of being part of public celebrations--like the Marathon.  Because of Monday's events that is a little scary, but more scary is living a life or living in a world where everything is contracted.  How will you fight the urge to contract when you feel it?  What can you do to create the space to expand?  Think about these things--but more importantly go do them.  Expand yourself into action today.  Getting bigger when it's a challenge will allow you to expand even more down the line, creating the space to grow into.

Wanting: An Evolutionary Force

I've been feeling restless lately--unsettled.  And that has shown up in several ways--the parts of my job that I don't love the most are feeling more significant than they really are, I can't finalize a plan about where and when to take my summer vacation, I sometimes can't even sit still and read one thing without my brain jumping around to a long list of to-do's or finding myself physically starting to get up without even knowing where I am going.  Wanting makes me restless--sometimes even before I know what I want--or even that I want something.  There is a deep, instinctive part of us that wants things--our inner "wanter"--and there are reasons we should always be listening for what that part of us is saying--even if the message is a little garbled at times..

That wanter voice will tell us what we have outgrown in our lives and point us toward what we want more of.  The restlessness is sometimes around a specific thing--such as a job or a relationship--or, taken together, several areas where we are restless tell us something we are after.  In my case, I want more freedom than I have right now--and so anything that feels like it restricts that is making me restless--scheduling my vacation feels like limiting the freedom there, the little things in my job make me feel more tied down at work, even sitting still feels like I am being restrained.  Those things are not always true.  There are days, weeks even, where I love sitting down, staying still and reading or where having a really busy and full schedule feels productive.  Right now, however, my body and mind rebel.  Maybe that sounds like a terrible feeling--and I'll admit, it has been frustrating at times, but I'm actually thankful for the restlessness.  It tells me where to set my sights--even when I am not sure what the path there will look like.

The wanter in us is always looking forward, and in that way, it moves us forward.  Speaking concretely, let's say you have an old friend and you have been growing in opposite directions for a while.  You don't enjoy spending time with this person as much as you used to and you have far fewer common interests than you once did.  Your wanter might get restless about this relationships before you are consciously aware that it needs to change. You might find yourself with many reasons not to pick up this person's calls.  You might find yourself avoiding places you might run into her. You might find yourself filling your days with plans without this person--and all before you could ever articulate out loud that you don't want to sustain that friendship as it has been.  Wanting something pulls us forward, toward evolution and change--things we might resist if we were asked to pursue them.  Wanting starts us moving, even when we aren't sure what we are moving toward.  Wanting makes staying still more uncomfortable than going forward.

What's my point?  Cultivate some restlessness.  Look for it, blow a little air on it and see what flares up.  Sure, sometimes we want something totally obvious--those new shoes, a piece of chocolate cake, to go outside on a sunny day--and sometimes it's more subtle than that--a feeling that evolves like a desire for more freedom.  Don't fall into the trap of stamping out those uneasy, restless feelings just because they are complex enough to be slightly fuzzy.  Check them out, explore them.  See what they can tell you--and if you can't make it out yet, keep listening.  Be patient as the picture clears and the image comes into focus.  And don't wait until you have all the how's and why's figured out to move in that direction.