Recently, I was sick—nothing show-stopping, but sniffly,
stuffy, and lethargic—all the symptoms of a bad cold. I forced myself out of my house anyway and off to a late afternoon yoga class.
In my experience, there are days when it feels like every internal judge I have is on duty. It's not surprising that it’s hard to feel a sense of peace when some small part of my brain is worried about how I did or didn’t just live up to my own expectations and another small part of my brain is wondering how I did at meeting the expectations of others. I find this especially true as the holidays approach—and with them comes a series of beliefs and stories about how they should go and what I must do. These expectations only matter in that I have identified with them in some way and now my ego has something invested in meeting them. (for a more complete discussion on the complexities of ego from my friends at Yoga Journal, go here.) In yoga, my teachers talk about trying to free ourselves from that kind of ego, which can prevent us from being truly present in our own lives.
Even in my sickness, or maybe because of it, I was able to catch of a glimpse of that free-er mental state. As I arrived at the yoga studio a few minutes before class
started, sniffles and all, I found the perfect spot at the back of the room—warm and cozy and by
myself. The closest person to me
was Helen-- a yoga teacher who practices at my studio. She is technically precise, focused,
fluid, strong, and has an incredibly powerful personality. Frankly, she intimidates the crap out
of me.
Once class started, I was completely focused on how my body
was moving and how I felt, managing my sick, stuffy-headed energy. A slower pace and some key moments in
child’s pose pulled me through to the end of class. “What a beautiful practice you have,” I heard Helen’s voice
say as we were rolling up mats. I
looked up to see who she was talking to and found her looking at me.
The truth was, I felt pretty good for a sick person who had
just done an hour and a half of yoga in a hot room. I found myself contemplating what had made the difference
internally and apparently externally. I am convinced that the lack of internal judgment was a major factor. I had no mental energy to be
judging myself or worrying about others judging me. Had I felt better, maybe I would have tried too hard,
wrenching the joy and grace right out of the experience. Had I been in my head about being sick,
I would have spent some time judging myself or making excuses for myself. Had I stayed on the couch, worried that
I couldn’t make it through class, I would have lost out on the experience
entirely.
The lesson works off the yoga mat as well. Having an experience without working to
interpret it all as good or bad, success or failure changes the experience. Being
overzealous on the way into a situation—imagine a first date or a job interview
for example—can cause us to do too much, to bring effort to bear on something
that will crumble under the pressure—that person we found so intriguing is put
off, the employer worries we are desperate. Opting out has different complications
as we sell ourselves short based on fears—like never going on the date or not
even submitting our resume.
Seems that this kind of peace of mind is about opting in but not expecting,
needing or even wanting a specific outcome. What Helen reminded me of was the
importance of my actual experience and not my mental evaluation of the
experience, the importance of showing up rather than achieving a specific
something. This year, I am hoping to take this lesson to as many holiday parties and family gatherings as I can and am looking forward to seeing what kind of peace I can find there.
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